The Metamorphosis of a Teenager

The Metamorphosis of a Teenager

She arrived with long sleeves from head to toe, black that is. Her eyes were faced downward and she brought a friend. Internally she was scared but on the outside she would be that bully in school everyone stays away from because that is her comfort zone.

 When greeted by me she and her friend look at each other in mocking fashion. This writer says to herself after 19 years with broken kids this is a front and experience is my prize.

The first couple of sessions were tough and were slow as molasses. One word answers, bored as ever and the counselor that cuts no corners directly asks do you want to be here and she states quickly "no". At times in the room it is more about the presence of one another than any words spoken. This is 14 in all of her pride, glory, fear of the future yet good at hiding behind herself.

Mentorship presents as opposed to talk therapy far more effective with teens. By session three I asked her, "where is your friend?" She answers that she is at home with her IPAD.  I asked her let me guess, she is in her room? She said of course that she is. 

By session four the topic is "the bedroom" which is a major topic for adolescents. Her room is her quiet place, her safety and it is in that room that the metamorphosis happens. She moves from puberty through adolescence growing into her body and understanding her hormones.

It isn't in the room that is my interest but what is on her mind which leads me to what captivates her soul and what inspires her or what does not. 

I learn that the shades are pulled, the lights are off and her nights and days are switched. All the same her room is spotless and organized as she sharply remarks that this is what she has in her life that is in her control. 

I continue to learn that darkness is her friend because it shields her from the light of day. I ask her quietly does that represent your emotions that are very hard to endure? She puts her head down slightly then lifts up her eyes and whispers "yes". 

That was the end of our session but the next session begun as a complete juxtaposition. She is dressed completely different than session one. She has on summer shorts and a t-shirt and walks into the office with a steady stride. She wears a smile from ear to ear and waits patiently for our "mentorship" time to begin. She is happy to be here and realizes that what is ahead is what she so desperately craves inside. 

Someone to listen with interest and finally a place she feels safe. She has truly begun the process of metamorphosis from a caterpillar to a butterfly in four sessions only. 

I ask her if she would be willing to take the next step? She asked what is that? I said can you go to the half-off bookstore and buy a five dollar journal? She says no almost immediately and put her head down. It is only the fourth session and I understand her reticence. In time the no will become yes but you have to stay patient and sense the pace she prefers and listen closely to the reasons for resistance.

She says goodbye and I ask her if I brought a journal for her would that be okay? She said yes but quickly ran out without saying goodbye.

I will always remember the butterfly girl. She is one of so many over the years but once again I am captivated by the gift called counseling that is incredibly important. To raise a child in the difficult years of age 14 and 15 can be a journey described as hell. Yet behind closed doors in all of that rebellion presents her best traits as her counselor is not her parent. The teen is just doing her job at 14 which is to transition slowly from dependence to independence. Many kids in front of me are having a much more difficult time and this is usually in families where lives are busy and parents need support. Both parents are working and daily survival is the priority. Good for those parents who reach out for help. They have found the right person who understands completely. 

It was one time very long ago that the counselor herself had mentors in her life. It became so integral to the development of who she is today. Pain, hardship and struggle are the ingredients to a successful listener and one who can look into the child's eyes and sees herself.

Victoria Portanier, MFT 

Parent Strategies after a school tragedy

Parent Strategies forward in light of the school shooting in Florida:
1. Parents need to create a home environment and their own disposition as calm, relaxed, focused on listening when their child may be asking questions around the event. Parents should stay factual, brief and answer based on their own family morals, values and belief systems.
2. It is important to reassure your children that they are safe. Parents need to take the leadership role and remain in the driver's seat. They need to communicate that they are connected with teachers, principals, counselors and the community working very hard to ensure that they are safe.

3. It is important to create in your home environments business as usual, stay as close to a schedule as possible limiting as much as possible viewing news both on television and social media.
4. It is time to work closely toward your child's emotional equilibrium. All of this is to say to monitor their eating habits, sleep patterns and ability to focus and concentrate in school. If for some reason within a week they appear highly anxious, crying a lot, excessive worrying and unable to stop talking about their fear around being at school then it may be time to consult your pediatrician.
5. Monitor social medial activities of children diligently.
6. Copy cat syndrome is high in this moment. Other children who are depressed, angry, defiant, bullied,etc may find right now is the opportunity to execute their own plan and this is why this moment is very high risk in our community.
7. Follow your gut. (adults, teens, children) If a child in school is noticeably depressed, states on social media an interest in harm to self, others or animals, tell someone. A teacher, a parent, anyone. Also, fire setting is an early indicator of violence. You will not look stupid by telling someone even if it is only slightly suspicious. Violent children come in all shapes and sizes but typically described as "weird, strange or off". Many people after a tragedy will honestly say they thought this kid was "off".

February 1, 2018: February is here and my topic today is Parent Partnership. I want to share my interest in working with teens and children in the context of family counseling. A child is a part of a larger system called the "family" and we have to address our young people in a unit of treatment called family counseling with occasional sessions with myself and your child. I call this parent partnership which is fabulous, incredible and engaging for all involved. Truly even a 30 minute session is hard for most kids to get through. They become bored, wiggly and lose interest quickly even with a therapist like me who is quirky, hyper and so I have heard has a great sense of humor. Parents bring their children to me as they may display symptoms of depression, grades that are mostly D's and F's and they are exhibiting an increase in behavioral problems in school and home My variety therapy box for teens is a mix up of their inspiring music, board games, journals, drawings, band instruments and favorite book and movie titles. The goal is to crack the "code" if you will which is to eventually create a safe place for children and teens to share about how they really feel. We get to the solid ground of what makes your child "tick" and ultimately the "how" is find ways to connect with them respectively. I say yes to family therapy with some splashes of kid fun, play therapy and wicked communication skills so ultimately there is " more" of what we want to see in our kids and "less" of what brought kids to my office. My office is the place to capture an opportunity to live in families that thrive rather than passing time and live a life of existence simply to survive. #happychildhoods #nevertoolate #parentparnership   #yourpainisyourgold  Victoria